Don't Touch The Bubble Wrap!
by Lovingh3art
Summary: A certain detective from Central City orders a harmless gift wrapped in something sinister, so it falls to the Doctor and Team TARDIS to take it off his hands before it's too late. One-shot taking place after 11x07 "Kerblam!"


**A/N: I don't know if it was because of my one-shot week plans or because I love both these shows, but I wanted a Joe West one-shot and considering the loose idea that popped up, it was too good an opportunity to pass up. All I can do is hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I did making it. Special thanks to Bellgram for beta-reading this!**

 **Just a fair warning, this contains spoilers for 11x07 "Kerblam!" If you haven't seen it, just FYI. You have been warned.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who or the Flash. Both shows are owned by the BBC, Warner Bros TV, DC Entertainment, and the CW.**

* * *

 _Three days ago…_

* * *

The West household was quiet. Too quiet. For Joe West, the soundless place used to be a time of reflection and sadness. Thoughts of the grisly job he led and the fantastic dangers his children faced head-on. But these days? The silence was a time for relaxation, especially with him and Cecile babying their newborn daughter – and newly discovered granddaughter.

Sitting on the living room couch, he skimmed through his MacBook on the website Cecille had recommended for baby toys. Some kind of new delivery service…Kerb!am? Who came up with a name like that? It sounded fishy, like something from a science-fiction series. Then he reminded himself that it was marginally cheaper than Amazon and so decided to take whatever weirdness he saw in stride.

His cursor, after searching through a surprisingly meticulous child entertainment section, located a soft, non-plastic toy in the form of a giraffe. Iris had always loved giraffes, and with Jenna sleeping soundly on crib covers adorned with the same animal, he promptly decided on it. The checkout section went quickly enough, and when it sent him a confirmation email, it also mentioned that it would arrive in three days.

Surprising.

"Three days? Huh," Joe remarked. "Well, at least _that's_ fast shipping."

He'd love to see what Barry and Nora would say to that.

* * *

"Darn it!" the Doctor rocked back with her hands attached gently to the controls. When the ground evened out and the bumps decreased, she breathed a bit lighter. "New systems, new body…one of these days I'm gonna' have to get used to it all over again."

"Your record ain't so bad," Ryan commented from the other side of the console. "You've got us places…sometimes."

"After fifteen or so tries," Yaz added. "But don't worry, Doctor. You'll get it. It's like…riding a bike, right?"

"Maybe." Graham was holding on for dear life. "If a bike could travel through space and time and become inoperable half the tries. Real comparison there."

"I get it," the Doctor jabbered, "but if somebody needs my help, and I'm stuck messing around, where's the fun in that? Sorry, am I getting dour? Tends to happen now and then. Ooh, maybe it's a regression back to my old self! He was quite that way."

"A little," Ryan confirmed.

"Work in progress, then," she retorted. "Okay, gang! Where to next?"

Graham lifted a finger and then held himself still. His eyes followed what looked to be a blinking, moving white dot on one of the screens. "Doc," he began, "what's that? Movin' quite fast for a star, innit?"

Her eyes immediately picked up and concentrated on the white star. "Not a star, Graham. Teleport!" Her breath sucked in; she scrambled to the consoles. "Which means – darn! Thought we'd wrapped that up!"

"Doctor," Yaz asked, "you said teleport. Like those robots from Kerb!am we just encountered?"

"Right on the money, Yaz." Already she was hitting buttons and manipulating the spinning miniature TARDIS. "Travelling through the cosmos right towards the milky way galaxy."

"Somebody on Earth ordered from Kerb!am?" Graham looked worried.

Ryan shrugged. "Can't be. The Doctor blew all the robots up with Charlie's bubble wrap."

"Trust me, there's always a chance for monsters to make it out alive from these scenarios. Did I ever tell you about those pesky robots that once were people?" She then shook determinedly. "…Forget it. Bottom line, somebody ordered a Kerblam item, which means that very someone is about to be the owner of explosive bubble wrap."

"Oh no…" Yaz's face had paled. "Doctor, we've got to do something. After what happened with Kira and Dan…"

Her friend shot a determined smirk. "No worry! We've got this! One trip to Earth coming right up!" Her fingers spun the miniature for a loop and the TARDIS lurched in response. The companions scrambled to barely keep their footing.

"Here we go again…" Graham half-complained.

* * *

Either his ears had betrayed him or he was psychic because Joe felt some kind of heat blink into the entrance hall and then disappear. Carefully, he looked over and saw a thick brown box nestling on the entrance rug. He got up – unsure - and walked over, lifting it up to his eye level. Sure enough, the Kerb!am logo was labeled on the side of the box.

"Huh. Works, I guess…" The detective had seen stranger things, after all. He went back to the living room and, finding his trust knife, slashed off the tape. When Joe opened the box's slits, he found a mess of massive bubble wrap supporting the yellowish giraffe toy inside. Jenna and Cecille would love it. He was so proud of himself, he even wanted to pop some-

Knock!

 _Whose knocking at my door?_ Intrigued, he put down the bubble wrap and toy.

Joe opened it and was surprised by the sight of four people on his front porch looking worried. "Can I help you?"

The lead person, a woman in a bright hoodie with blond hair, coughed to get his attention. "Hi. Name's the Doctor. This is Yaz, Ryan, and Graham; My fam. We were wondering if you might've gotten a package from Kerb!am recently?"

The boy she'd indicated to be Ryan piped up. "And if you got any bubblewrap with it?"

"…Yes?" Joe replied nervously. "Is something wrong?"

"Sort of. Not sort of. Bit of a mixed bag," the Doctor shot off. She took a peek inside from the door frame. "You wouldn't happen to have the bubble wrap that your item came in, would ya?"

Joe honestly had no idea why these people were. "No offense, but I don't understand why-"

"Listen," the other girl, Yaz, pleaded. "We're not tryin' to be rude or anything, but this is some important stuff! Did you get your thing bubble wrapped or not?"

"…Yeah?"

"Thanks!" The Doctor and co. promptly shuffled past Joe into the living room. Alarmed at the action, he shot after them to find them gathered around the package and wrap.

"Doc, I got the wrap!" Ryan yammered after locating and clutching the item. "Nice toy," he said when he saw Jenna's new play giraffe.

"Okay, just who are you people?" Joe asked, having had enough of whatever prank this was. "I'm a cop, so I'm not a big fan of when people come into my house."

Yaz's eyes blinked to him. "A cop? Me too!" She beamed excitedly. "Still just a parking cop, but still…nice connection!"

"We're just inspectors from Kerb!am," the Doctor woman explained. Did she mean that? She seemed to be – or not, he couldn't tell. "Bubble wrap recall. Last minute, unfortunately."

"Since when-"

The older man (Graham, he thought she called him?) croaked. "Doc, maybe we should be on our way?"

"Right!" She and her compatriots began stepping towards the door. "Nice meeting you, detective. Nice home, too. We'll try not to bother you ever again. Have a great day!" Then the four of them ran out the door.

"Wait a minute!" Joe walked quickly to follow them but stopped at the entrance frame. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. They'd disappeared into – a police box? A blue, vintage police box located on the sidewalk. How had they moved it onto the street?

Better question, how on earth did they think they could all fit into it?

Just when he reached for his phone to call Barry, his ears picked up on a wheezing noise. It gave him vibes of a far-off elephant call. The sound increased as Joe saw the police box begin to…fade?! The box's disappearance seemed to fade back and forth until it was gone from the street, and all that was left were the grains and grass associated with the neighborhood.

Joe West had seen a lot of weird things in Central City, but this….it was just _too_ weird.

So he promptly fainted on the ground, unhurt but shocked.

"A police box…" he got out before entering slight unconsciousness.

* * *

 **A/N: Hope you liked this! Please review, favorite, or follow! I really liked doing this!**


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